Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
