moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize