He kissed a someone with a penis
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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