I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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