Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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