Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
