Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
