I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
