I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
is wine microwaveable?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
