just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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