evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
