he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
