yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
