Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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