Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Found the puke drawer
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
