Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
