mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
