If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
