Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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