i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
