I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
