my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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