A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
