Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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