I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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