Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
