why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize