it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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