a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
