did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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