it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
