My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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