Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just found a bag of teeth...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
