I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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