mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
