At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
