Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize