i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
