So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need to calm my uterus...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
