He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
