I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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