I want to make a zoo with you.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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