my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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