The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
we should paint friendship bongs
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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