would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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