he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
