Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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