I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
