It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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