I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
