shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
