what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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