before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
