When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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