Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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