Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
