so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
