we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she told me i tasted like america
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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