Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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