I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
