He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
