i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
