Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
