She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize