Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
