sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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