There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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