Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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