I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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