Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
