Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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